How Ayahuasca changed my life,
The experience I am about to share is not for the faint hearted. The reason I’m sharing this because I believe Yage, the precursor to Ayahuasca, can help anyone who is going through what seems like unbearable times. Anyone who is missing a loved one who is no longer with them or questioning their faith in a higher power. Or anyone who simply feels lost in this crazy thing we call life.
Before starting my story I would like to give a huge thanks to “Fundación Comino al sol” for giving me the chance to change my life forever. Then give a little back story to where I was in my life before my experience with Yage.
In the years prior to the weekend that will have a lasting impact on me forever, I suffered from severe depression and often felt anxious in social situations. A couple days prior to the ceremony I was on the verge of taking my own life, even though I was on vacation in one of the most incredible places on earth. Medellin, Columbia. I was trapped in my mind and convinced myself I was worthless and would never be in a position to help myself or other people. I figured if I was this unhappy while on the trip of a lifetime I could never be happy. This was not the first time I’d considered suicide though. I had been struggling with these crazy thoughts for years. I was 15 years old, a sophomore in high school, the first time suicide crossed my mind. The reason this awful thought was on my mind was because I had been tearing myself apart since I was 9 years old when my parents got divorced. Somehow I convinced myself I was the reason because they seemed to be so happy and got a divorce out of nowhere. Eventually one bad thought lead to another and they began piling on top of each other. People who knew/know me know I wasn’t always depressed though. Even though more often than not I was, I tried to hide it as often as I could because I didn’t want to bring others down with me. My life was like a roller coaster ride, up one moment and down the next. Even though it’s not the way I wanted to live it’s just the way things were. Because of these awful thoughts I lost my faith in a higher power along the way. I figured our creator would never allow us to feel so poorly about ourselves. Not realizing at the time he was trying to help me and I was making myself feel this way.
Now that I got the bad stuff out of the way it’s time for the good. I’ll start my story off on the fourth most important day off my life, which was the first day I spent with Ayahuasca. I say fourth because my second and third day with her were more powerful and obviously the day I was born trumps all. I wouldn’t have had this experience nor been able to share it with all of you if I wasn’t born into this conscious body. But only recently did I become extremely grateful for this.
The whole ceremony leading up to the drinking of Yage is beautiful but is another story in itself. I’m only going to share my time spent with Ayahuasca. If you have any questions I don’t answer I know someone that is part of Fundación Comino al sol would be happy to answer them for you.
Getting rid of un needed baggage,
My first drink of Yage was very nerve racking. I knew that I was going to be dealing with some things that I had been putting off for years and wasn’t sure how the medicine was going to help me get through it. After drinking, I went over to a pad that had been put out for the ceremony and laid down. Taking Samuel’s advice I began to think back to my earliest memories. Surprisingly I remembered many things from when I was very young, both good and bad. I remembered going out to my grandmas for holidays to get together with my family, which is very large. My dad has 5 brothers and 6 sisters so there were no shortage of cousins to play with. I remembered first grade and some of the kids I went all the way through school with. I remembered my cousins locking me in the bathroom and making me decide if I was going to be a Green Bay Packers or Denver Broncos fan. I chose the Broncos even though I knew nothing about football because they had won the past two Super Bowls. I remembered the times around when my parents divorced and the heartaches that came with it. The memories continued to flow in easier than they ever had before. Then I fell asleep! How or why this happened, I have no idea but I know now Ayahuasca gives you what you need. I’m assuming I needed rest for what was to come later. After sleeping for a couple hours I was woke up to drink for the second time that night. This time the shaman gave me a lot more than he had the first time so I was expecting something big. I went to lay down again and really began to focus on the things I wanted to heal. Most of all my depression and anxiety. Even though these things normally keep me awake I fell asleep again. This time I wasn’t asleep long because this guy named Cole, now a friend of mine asked me to help him get to the bathroom. After being woke up I quickly realized I was in no condition to help him. I could feel the medicine coursing through my veins and I began to move around uncontrollably. Moving my legs around in a weird way and opening my chest towards the sky. At the time I had no idea why I was doing this but looking back I know it was Ayahuasca doing work on my body. She was releasing tension that I had built up in my body from bad thoughts that filled my mind over the years. When I closed my eyes things began to get even more bizarre. I could see images of what appeared to be DNA that were out of place and being put back where they needed to go. While this was happening I felt a vibration in my mind. I was very scared until I heard a voice say to me, “Don’t be scared my child. I am hear to help you.” As Ayahuasca told me this she took control of my right hand and began to sooth me by rubbing my face. This was the first time the spirit of Ayahuasca communicated with me. Her voice and touch were very calming and helped me get back in a comfortable mindset. After she calmed me down she introduced my conscious mind to my subconscious, then left me alone to work some stuff out. It was exactly what I needed and resulted in an incredible amount of healing. The first thing my subconscious asked me was this, “Why do you have so much love and compassion for other people but not yourself?” I had no way to respond but to hug my body and show myself love for the first time in many years. The next question my subconscious asked was, “Why are you scared to let your true self out when others are around? If they don’t like you for who truly are you don’t need to spend time with them anyway.” I was left speechless and feeling very sorry I had repressed so many of actions throughout my life. At this point Ayahuasca returned. I couldn’t see her but I could feel her presence. I was in a body inside my mind and she put a trash can in front of me. She told me to grab the anxiety and depression out and throw it away because they weren’t truly part of me. I did and the body I was in grew larger. The trash can appeared small now so I stomped on it. I kicked it from deep in my mind to the front of my real human skull. She told me to grab it and throw it in the fire so I did. I couldn’t see anything when I did but the amount of weight lifted off my shoulders as I threw these terrible things into the flames, was immense. I felt the freest I had been since I was a kid. (It’s been nearly a week since this experience and I still feel better than I have in a very long time) After that my parents crossed my mind. Even though I blamed myself for their divorce at first which initially put me in the rut, with age I began to know better. Over the years I had developed a very strong anger towards them as I realized it wasn’t my fault and they were both somewhat responsible for my depression. Now that the depression was gone I had to figure out how to forgive them. I remembered times that they were there for me when I was going through very tough times and I held onto it. Then decided from that point on I was only going to remember them as the person they were at that point in my life. The times they were there for me when I was at my lowest. I began to miss them dearly and hugged nothing to express my love for them as they rotated through my mind. After that my little brother and sister crossed my mind and I hugged nothing to express my love for both of them as well. At this point tears of joy rolled down my face and Ayahuasca left me to bask in the moment. Shortly afterwards I fell asleep feeling but not before being extremely thankful that I’d gotten over things I never thought I would.
My trip to heaven,
After drinking the Yage the second night my intentions were to thank Ayahuasca for all the weight she had lifted off of my shoulders the previous night. Ask her for homework on how I could continue to be the happiest I’d been since before my parents divorced and how to not feel the anxiety that once haunted me anymore. Then finally ask her to show me the spirit world. As I laid in the tent with my cousin next to me and my new friend Ben on the other side of him, I began to focus very hard. Ayahuasca was not yet with me but I began to thank her for everything she had done for me the previous night. As she got closer my body began to move uncontrollably as it did the first night. Releasing even more of the tension that had built up in me over the years. Finally she was with me again. This time she took me to a foreign place that made me feel very scared and uncomfortable. There were creatures with nothing on their heads besides a mouth and holes on the side of there head which I believed were ears. They were very tall and lengthy and seemed to be skin and bones. There were two sitting at a table in front of me and two swinging on hammocks to my left. The first thing that came to my mind was these creatures have to be aliens. Not realizing where I was yet and feeling extremely uncomfortable in my human body in this magical place I opened my eyes to escape. Once I did, I began to feel very nauseas so I got up and ran out to the puke bucket. As I hovered the bucket one of the community members Samuel came to the rescue. Rubbing my back and comforting me as I dry heaved. After I was finished and the knot in my stomach went away. I looked to him and said, “Gracias.” He asked me how I felt and I told him the medicine had hit me a lot harder than it did first night. He said, “Focus. Remember the medicines purpose.” I said thank you again and returned to the tent to get back to work. I got comfortable closed my eyes and returned to the same room as before. This time all creatures were looking in my direction with smiles on their faces. I’m sure I still had a look of terror on my face because I still felt very uneasy. Until one of the creatures said to me, “Be calm my child I am only showing you what you’ve asked me to see.” Comforted by the voice from the night before I realized I was speaking to Ayahuasca again. I asked, “Where am I?” Her response was amazing, “This is the spirit world my child. This here is my family,” as she opened her long lanky arms to what I now knew were the spirits of her family. Baffled and incredibly grateful I asked her to bring me the to the creator. She then told me she would go get him and have him come to me. Without seeing him I could feel his presence. As he got closer I felt the ground in the spirit realm shaking more and more and I could feel an amazing energy start to flow through my body. Once he entered my sight I was awe struck. He was bigger than the other spirits and you could feel the energy radiating off of him. He knelt down and asked me, “What can I do for you child?” I thought for a second and replied, “I just want to thank you! Thank you for allowing me to come to this beautiful realm! Thank you for giving me the experience that us humans call life! And thank you for giving us this powerful medicine that has turned my life around over night” His response left me stunned, “It is my pleasure my child. I love all of my children and I was lonely before I created all of you.” I stood there and stared at him in amazement. He then asked, “Is there anything else you would like to ask, my child?” Completely satisfied with his response I said, “No.” He nodded then said, “I will see you again someday but I have a lot of work to do. Goodbye my child.” I stood there stunned as he walked away, believing in God again for the first time in a long time. Still excited to be in this spirit world I asked Ayahuasca, “Do I have any family members I can talk with right now?” Ayahuasca signaled me to fallow here out the door in the room. As we left the room we walked out onto a patio that over looked a sea of clouds. All filled with the rich beautiful orange you would see in a sunset. Realizing at this point there was nothing about this realm that wasn’t amazing. She told me to sit on the ledge while she went to grab one of my family members. I sat there peacefully for a couple moments and basked in the amazing scenery. Until I heard a familiar voice behind me say my name in a shocked manner, “Kyle?” The voice belonged to my uncle Bob, who had passed away many years before. “Yes,” I responded as he came over to give me a hug. I felt overwhelmed with joy as I hugged my uncle that I hadn’t seen in years. He asked, “Are you dead?” in worried manner. “No” I said. Then went on to tell him about Yage and how it had allowed me to visit the spirit world. He told me that he’d heard of other people visiting their families with this medicine but I was the first from ours to visit him with it. I then asked how his time in heaven had been. He said, “You can see as well as me that this is the most beautiful place in the universe. It is simply perfect,” fallowed by a pause. “But I miss my family more than you could ever imagine. I love watching them and their families grow but it’s hard not being able to communicate with them. I miss that connection with them, I miss that connection with my mom, I miss that connection with my brothers and sisters, and I miss connection with you as well as everybody else in our family.” I wrapped my arm around him to try and comfort him and he wrapped his around me. He then asked me to tell everybody that he misses them and he is always there in spirit, emphasizing his daughters. I nodded yes, thinking it was the least I could do for him. (It has been six days since the experience and I still haven’t contacted them. Worried they may think I’m just a mad man. I know this experience was real because I lived it but understand how it could be hard for others to believe) After our incredible conversation and the endless amount of love I saw my uncle had for his family my grandpa crossed my mind. My grandpa Jim had passed away a few months prior to this experience and I missed him very much. Because I was in the spirit realm I figured it was the perfect time to see him again if I could. I asked my uncle if it was possible and he said he had to ask. Who and how he asked I don’t know but he did it without leaving my side. After a few moments he looked to me and said, “Your grandpa is still in the process of being put into his spirit body. He has been struggling because he never believed in a life after death. Other spirits have been working with him but he has to let go of the reality he once new. The creator has agreed to let you see him though.” The next thing I knew my grandpas face filled my vision. He looked at me with a very startled look on his face then proceeded to ask, “What are you doing here? What is this place?” I looked at him as love and compassion over took my mind and told him with excitement, “This is heaven grandpa! I got to come here using a spiritual medicine called Yage. I know it’s hard to believe but I’m in heaven with you right now.” The shock in his face turned to joy, relief, love and comfort. He then asked, “Is your mom with you?” I was disappointed I had to tell him no but happy to hear his response. He said, “Tell her I love her! Tell all my family I love them unconditionally!”
“I will,” I responded. (I called mom as soon as I was back into service and my entire story filled her heart with joy. I’m still nervous to tell everyone else though) Still seeing my grandpas face I heard my uncles voice again. He said, “Tell your grandpa it’s time for you to go. It should be a lot easier for him to enter his spirit body now.” Acknowledging my uncle but not responding I went on to tell my grandpa that I had to leave but I loved him very much. He told me he loved me too then my vision returned and I was back on the patio with my uncle. He looked at me and said, “I wish we had more time together but it’s time for you to return to your human form.” I told him I loved him and he told me the same. Then I hugged him one last time before I left. Before I knew it I felt as if hovering back to the ground. My uncles voice was still with me and now so was Ayahuasca’s. They were both telling me not to be scared and each had a hand on my shoulder while I was on my decent back to my human body. My uncles on my right shoulder and Ayahuasca’s on my left. Once I was back in human form I felt unbelievably blessed and thanked God for what I had just experienced. When I did this it felt like love was being pored onto me from above. As the connection faded I began to focus on what was happening in the around me. Josh and Ben were both talking about how Ayahuasca had fixed physical problems they had been having for years. Those are there stories though so I am not going to share them. I told Josh that I had just talked to our uncle Bob and he told me that was amazing but not much conversation came from it. I didn’t want to force conversation because I knew he was going through his own stuff. I laid there in amazement for awhile before getting up to go sit by the fire. I sat there for an hour or so reflecting on the life changing experience I had just gone through. After that I went to the tent to grab a pad and brought it outside to sleep under the stars.
Fighting fear and the reminder,
Before drinking the final night, an overwhelming fear overcame my body. As we were going through the ceremony leading up to the drinking of Yage an uncomfortable tingling went through my entire body. I was scared because I was worried I was going to have an very hard internal battle. I believed this because other people I was sharing the weekend with told stories about the hardest battles of their lives, while I got to visit heaven. Knowing there is no good without bad, I convinced my self of the worst. Right before we drank I even asked Samuel to have a word with me outside the hut. I told him what I was feeling and that I didn’t really want to drink that night. He told me I would be okay and I remember him telling me, “Ayahuasca will give you nothing you can’t handle.” Still worried I asked, “Can I just get a small cup then?” He told me he would talk to the shaman about it. As I walked up to the stand they kept the medicine on, I watched the shaman poor me the largest cup I was to drink all weekend. After I drank the Yage, I nodded my head to him drank some water to get rid of the awful taste and hurried to lay down. I laid there trying to fall asleep in hopes I to avoid any bad experiences but was unsuccessful. The next thing I knew Ayahuasca was with me again. She didn’t say anything but I could feel her presence in my body. It was a feeling of warmth and hope that overtook me. After I received these reassuring feelings my mind started to travel. Odd geometric shapes formed a battle arena in my mind and I could feel fear lurking in the shadows. Surprisingly I wasn’t scared at all though. I felt I was safe with Ayahuasca in my presence. Whenever fear left the shadows and came for the attack I could blow him away with a flick of my hand. I fought through what seemed like levels of fear. Every time fear returned he was bigger and more powerful. Still I could blow him away with a flick of my hand or a sudden expansion of my chest. After fear tried attacking me for what felt like forever, the visions died out and Ayahuasca spoke to me, “Do you now see the power of hope and how much stronger it is than fear?” I was very excited and quick to reply, “Yes! I never thought my fears would be so easy to defeat!”
“Now that you see how weak fear is, it’s time for me to heal the damage he has done to your body,” she said as she took control of my arms and began to give me the best shoulder massage I had ever received. I could feel her working out the fear that had built up in my trap muscle, piece by piece. As she worked on me I could feel my shoulders opening more and more releasing unneeded tension. They had been pulled forward over the years by fear which left me looking closed off to others. This was a very freeing experience. She did this for hours until, I was called to drink my second cup of Yage that night. Before drank the second cup I thanked Samuel for strongly encouraging me to drink the first one. When the shaman poured the second cup he didn’t give me near as much as he had the first time. I was confused because I was in a lot more comfortable mindset going into this cup. A lot more ignorant as well. This was the first cup I drank without having any intentions. The only reason I drank it was in hopes of Ayahuasca showing me something else amazing. After I drank it I went back to lie down on my pad and wait for Ayahuasca to work her magic. After about 15 min she was with me again but brought me to a place that was very unpleasant. I was sitting across from a demon on what felt like a fairs wheel. His body was black and a dark purple with a human shape to it. His head was black and white and I could feel the evil look on his face peering into my soul looking for my weaknesses. He had black horns that twirled out of his head like a markhor goat. I looked around and saw broken down building and darkness. Then others began to join around peering into my soul with piercing eyes as well. Using the techniques Ayahuasca had just taught me I froze the images in my mind and made the scene explode. All that was left was vast darkness and evil thoughts the demons had put in my mind. I laid there terrified hoping someone would help me. No one came so I went to join others who were sitting around the fire in the middle of the hut. I sat there and battled these thoughts anyway I could, trying to use things that Ayahuasca had taught me to fight them off. Eventual I got sick and had to purge. A purge is when you puke or shit because Yage had the tendency to make you feel very nauseous. Every time I puked I felt like I was throwing up evil spirits that had found there way into my mind, body, and soul over the years. This was one of the hardest battles of my life but resulted in a lot of internal healing. Throughout the next couple of hours I fought these evil thoughts and puked several more times. Until finally I defeated them and was left feeling victorious. Through the battle I was closed off to everyone and hummed quietly. The humming was my battle cry. As I started coming out of the darkness my chest opened up, my head tilted towards the ceiling and my humming began to get louder. Being the aspiring musician I am I began to stomp a beat out on the floor and play a piano in my lap that wasn’t really there. Then I hear others began to converse with each other and I tried to join but my mind wasn’t fully back yet. I decided to go lay down again and at this time Ayahuasca returned. I asked her why she had abounded me and here response couldn’t have been better. “I left you because there are still going to be hard times in your life and you need to know how to deal with them yourself my child. Even if you can’t communicate with me I’m always with you and so is our creator” I didn’t forgive but thanked her for leaving me and making me a stronger person. I then asked if she could work on my shoulders again and she said, “Of course.” She worked on my shoulders until I faded into a deep sleep.
You can interpret my story however you want and believe what you want about it but I know what happened and will never forget this experience. I will never forget what Ayahuasca did for me and how much she helped me. It’s been a week since my time with her and I’m still a stronger person than I’ve ever been.